Sometimes, I wake up in a cold, gray sea.

It’s nothing but darkness, waves of emptiness crashing to and fro

Thrashed about violently, my body is caged within these waters

but I swear that at times, in those waves

I see your face.

I call out to you

Hoping my voice guides itself on these raging currents

but it seems that my voice, like my soul

is far too weak to reach anyone.

As I reached the depths of the distorting void

I felt the flames calling to me.

IGNITE: PART 1—BURN TO LIVE

1

Today’s a real nice day, don’t you think? The sky is such a stark, clear blue, plenty of clouds in the sky, but not too many, and the sun is beaming down gently with the warmth we call life. The cicadas are all around us, even if you can’t see them; their cries are definite proof of that. The field we’re in goes on for so long, I’d find myself losing track of time just going in a circle here—it’s no wonder you come out here so much. Sorry, I get a bit sappy when the weather’s this nice. It’s why I’m even out here, but then, I just so happened to stumble upon you. Don’t think we’ve ever actually met before, but I know all about you. You wanted to ask me something right?

..Hm? You’ve met me before? And you want to know about that of all things? Ha, hahahahahahahahaha! …Interesting, you’re bein’ serious aren’t you? Listen, that ain’t something I’d share leisurely just to kill time. Just what makes you interested in that world you were forcefully brought into, huh? From my understanding, didn’t you want to forget about it entirely? If anything, delving any further could further your grudge, your disdain against existence itself. Once you hear it, you can’t go back to pretending to live in ignorance of what’s out there. You’ll have to face it head-on without a single doubt in your mind, bearing your chest, ready to scream into the sky as proof of your conviction in the face of it all. And for that matter, I’ll ask you for compensation afterward. What, you don’t expect me to reflect and outline the entirety of my tragic past to you for free?

I’m just kidding! It’s just history, insignificant history at that. But, it’s oddly important in the grand scheme of things regarding the future of your world. You’ll be aware of all sorts of things the average person couldn’t possibly fathom being true. In the pursuit of knowledge and truth, are you willing to potentially isolate yourself from the rest of your kin?

That fire that enraptures you—we’re all wrapped within our own personal blaze. Each and every one of us burns within our own flames to live. We fester inside those flames to exist, to prove that our struggle has a purpose. It can’t be extinguished, so people are constantly in pain naturally, whether they realize it or not. But to withstand that pain, to deal with those flames, you oughta be ready to let the fire consume you. You can’t be afraid of it, because it’s a part of you. You’ll have to embrace that pain, that which causes you all of your misery and anguish. You’ll be accepting it, and you’ll have to come to terms with what that fire really is. You sure you’re ready to do that? You have so much life left to decide when you’d confront them. There’s no rush, but I’ll remind you that your life is the fuel. It could develop out of your control before you know it, harming those around you or intertwining with others whom you’d wish you had never met. Maybe that’s happening already, hm?

But uh, not getting sidetracked, basically what I’m saying is—there’s no guarantee you’re gonna get what you want out of hearing this. More than likely, you’ll get something entirely different, not necessarily devoid of value or importance, but it may not be what you’re looking for, and that can do more harm than good. As long as you understand that, we’re straight.

…Well, aight then, I can tell you’re for real with that look of yours. …No, seriously, I get it, so you can stop with that glare, goodness.

You better not forget a single word I’m about to tell you, though. Engrain it deep into your soul, and never let go, you get me? You read plenty of books, so that shouldn’t be too much of an issue for you, but I’m serious. …Though, considering it’s you of all people, that’s pretty insulting of me to say. My bad.

Anyway, let’s start from… oh, how about that week? I was just about to turn eighteen, and at some point had to make that same choice you just made yourself.

---

I don’t know if your mom ever told you this, but sometimes, my Momma would tell me to simply “Pray to God”. It was the catch-all answer if I ever had a problem that couldn’t be fixed with my efforts alone. Can’t see your grades early? Pray to god. Didn’t get the food you wanted for dinner? Pray to God. Don’t want to go to school tomorrow? Pray to God. Want your sister to come home safe and sound every night? Pray to God. Wanted those people across the world to stop being killed needlessly? Pray to God. Wanted fair and just outcomes in the justice system for our people? Pray to God. Wish you didn’t need glasses to see? Pray to God, missy.

I hated that advice. To me, it sounded like giving up and hoping life got better on its whims. For others, maybe that was what they needed: a state of mind that gave ‘em peace while in turmoil. Something to give ‘em hope when there wasn’t any. I hated it because I wanted to do somethin’ about my problems. I wanted to be the one who’s able to absolve my suffering. There had to be an answer beyond simply waiting around and hoping it gets better, right? I wanted to believe that.

For those daring triflers to be spared from my desire to beat them senseless, though? They should’ve started prayin’ the moment they met me. Sittin’ on their asses with dirt and their blood smeared all over them; all I could see in those high schoolers were three stray dogs whimpering after biting off more than they could handle. Well, I say that, but I was too enticing for the pups, purposefully so. Can’t blame it all on them when I egged them on, too.

The hell was I doing on some unused baseball field with them? Well, I was minding my own business really, listening to music and just vibin’. However, those boys were itchin’ to cause some violent trouble, and I was more than happy to reciprocate. It wasn’t directed at me at the time, but it’s not like I cared. You gotta take the opportunities you get, you know? Pretty perfect one all things considered—it was the weekend, sun was settlin’ a crimson orange onto the field as it was descending the horizon, it was quiet, and I had nothing else to do but cause trouble for the troublemakers. Well, it was quiet save for the cicadas and birds, but to me, that might as well be absolute silence. I couldn’t, and still can’t, stand the constant noise of cars in the city and roads. Nature ain’t noise to me, it’s just how the world naturally is.

Either way, my main motivation was that I was bored. I was outside walking around in some vague hope I’d find anything to occupy me, and I thought I got lucky. I was hoping at the time they’d let me go all out, but one of them was already hollering at me after just thirty seconds.

“Hey…! Hey! Ray can’t breathe! The hell wrong wit’ you?!” The boy in blue shouted.

I shrugged. The other boy in question, Ray, was having trouble breathing, but he would live. From my perspective, I barely touched him. I struck his chest with a basic elbow strike, not even putting that much power into it. As long as he didn’t try sprinting a marathon afterward, he was gonna be just fine, so I didn’t understand why the boy in blue had to make such a ruckus about it. The other two? I practically just tripped them. Sure, I broke one of their noses, but still, it wasn’t anything notable. It pissed me off how much of a deal they were making it out to be honestly.

I didn’t have any sympathy or hatred for them. Just ignorant, youthful boys who didn’t know any better. Kids get real high off their newfound egos, you know? I wasn’t any different, of course, being a teenager myself. Quite frankly, I didn’t give much of a damn about people then.

I pulled out the cigarette I had hidden in my back pocket and brought it to my mouth as I watched the three boys scamper away, hollerin’ all the while in their nasally voices.

Without any regard for whether anyone was watchin’, I snapped my fingers, which spawned a flickering white and black flame on the edge of my middle finger. I lit the cigarette and took a deep, well-needed puff; the sharp, chemical-filled smoke burned the back of my throat’s flesh as it descended quickly to my lungs. Exhaling it all out, I felt my thoughts calm into a vague swirl of words and emotions.

Hmm? Yeah, I smoked back then, still do, though I’m trying to quit these days. Vaping felt like having a teabag instead of loose-leaf tea, you know? It’s quicker with more easy-to-access “flavor”, but it’s the same addictive toxic crap in the end so who cares? The packaging and marketing of e-cigs and whatever also felt condescending anytime I caught a glimpse, trying so hard to sell me on it, cause I was a part of the demographic it was selling itself to. I felt more grossed out by them than cigs, well, not like I was buying the sludge sticks myself either. They were just as gross, just in a different way, but at least their packaging is sleek and straightforward.

Anyway, it kept me at a level state. I didn’t need to smoke to stay that way, but a lot of people don’t need caffeine to stay awake either.

I turned around, gazing down at the kid who was the target of that group’s bullying. He was knocked on his ass from being shoved into the dirt earlier, but he wasn’t hurt. Crouching down, I asked, “You okay?”, and was met with a solemn nod after a while. He couldn’t have been older than 15, wearing a white graphic tee with red shorts and black sneakers. He was light-skinned, which wasn’t an uncommon reason for one to be bullied. I’m not that dark, but I toe the line pretty well to avoid any sort of harassment regarding it. I didn’t want to accept that it was a potential reason for why he was being harassed at the time, but kids are cruel.

I held out my hand to help him up, but he refused to take it and stood up himself.

“Thanks b-but, I don’t need a girl to help me. I’ll be okay on my own, thanks—!” he said, before running off into the nearby neighborhood.

Even though the kid said that, in that moment and even now, I don’t believe that’s something he believed. It’d make sense, sure, but I think he was just afraid. Afraid of me, afraid of being further teased, cause a girl had to come and save him, just an additional something he couldn’t have controlled within his life. Besides, I didn’t really have the most welcoming of expressions back then, and the cigarette no doubt didn’t help. I scratched my head a little and kicked the dirt as I pondered it in my mind.

---

For the rest of the day, I had no idea what I’d be doing beyond maybe my exercise routine when I got back home, so I just started walking aimlessly while listening to music.

The town of Oakdale wasn’t anything particularly special, but it was identifiable as a college town. I’d describe it more as an “Education Town” myself, as the education path someone would take here was perfectly laid out for them. You’d start preschool at one of the many Christian Pre-K establishments (or the singular one that wasn’t), or you were home-schooled. Homeschooling was only a viable option for those who had the income to get such resources themselves, though, as it wasn’t a way to cheat the system. After that, you’d transfer up to the public school district or start your journey through the rigorous yet astute private schools. It wasn’t that rich of a place, mind you, but it was rich enough that you didn’t see any signs of poverty until you went out of your way to leave the town. The only reason it didn’t have more money is that the state government had “better” uses for it.

If you were to ever step foot into Oakdale, though, you’d understand immediately. The flyers and banners about all levels of education littered across buildings, billboards, people’s own damn yards; it either makes you really want to start a family or get the hell out. There was more, though, naturally. Lots of convenience stores, notable landmarks like the lake on the east side of the town. A mall was on the west side, slightly branching into the neighboring town of Kingston. Of course, at the center of it all was Oakdale University, a surprisingly prestigious Engineering and Arts School with a powerful track record in sports. On top of the general advertisements being slammed down your throat, you were constantly reminded of that “University Spirit” and the “want to pursue higher education”. For me and my peers, it was all about our future. Advertisements online and at my high school were constantly focused on using buzzwords like: “future”, “success”, “dreams”, and “achievements”, that I just couldn’t be bothered to care.

I was a senior graduating the next year, but you could not make me care at all about what came after. It all just seemed so dull. Anytime I tried thinking about the future, my mind always wrapped back to the same conclusion, that being the fact that none of it was riveting to me. I had to do it at some point, I recognized that, but I could never feel excited about it. Those who had far higher prospects than I. It’s not like I didn’t have any at all, though. I was a straight A student up until my sophomore year, but at worst, I got one C on a report card, and that’s it. Even something like de-motivation can’t stop me from just understanding and applying what I learn and know. My focus was on improving my fighting ability and my body, no matter what.

Ah, I think I was gonna visit someone important but—

Bzzt! Bzzt!

Suddenly, my phone began vibrating, taking me out of my relaxed state back into reality. I quickly pulled it out, never knowing if the notification was from someone important at a significant time, and I remember that when I saw who it was from, I was extremely relieved. Though that relief didn’t last too long.

hey Kyra, you wanna get lunch or something? I got some good news!

uhh there might be some others if thats okay, no pressure i just feel like it’d be better to tell you in person

It was Reed, a close friend of mine I had known since elementary. Out of anyone I knew, he was the most persistent when it came to staying in touch with people. I’m unsure of how he did it, honestly. It was like he could so accurately catalogue every human imaginable and then proceed to make sure the specimen was doing okay.

Like, I know that that sounds a little demeaning, but imagine if every human being were a turtle or fish instead, okay? Now imagine if Reed, this simple and incredibly sweet, if not a little daft guy, wrote down the names, personalities, and habits of every one of these fish and turtles but left them to their own devices. Still with me? Okay, now imagine if this Reed fellow checked on each and every one of these fish and turtles that he catalogued, not for any particular reason, but just because he could not function if he didn’t. And I must remind you, in this example, he does not own them; he merely writes them down in a little book and chooses to go back to visit and check on them. Now, even if he still didn’t check on them every single day within a year, he still knew a rather astronomical number of people he regularly checked up on, to my knowledge, so it was always a little surprising to see him message me.

I was always ready for the time when his messages would stop, or he’d stop talking to me at school. It’s natural for people to just move on, right? Who stuck around with your friends from elementary school all the way up to high school?

If I didn’t know you already, you were either nothing to me or a possible cure to my boredom. It’s not like I had a personal grudge against the world or something like that, I just really found it hard to give a shit. Like, you know, that feeling of something taking way too much effort? For most kids, it’s grades or whatever, but for me, it was people, and kind of life itself. Other people were just too much to care about, you know? You just start thinkin’ and thinkin’, because all you want to do is understand them. Problem is, you realize you can’t. At the time, I really thought that other people couldn’t be understood, regardless of what you did. It’s a bit ridiculous to say out loud, but it was a very distinct conclusion I came to. People can hurt, and can be hurt way too easily. Everyone’s mind is a fragile thing, all with its puzzle that, once solved, breaks them beyond recognition. If you drifted away from each other, so be it. Why bother anymore? Another person won’t fill in the void left behind by the other, so there wasn’t a need to find or make other friends. The memories were enough, at least, I thought so.

I was more than curious, though, regarding Reed’s invitation. What could he have needed to tell me in person? And ‘others’? If it was just pertaining to me, that wouldn’t have been necessary, but if it concerned a group of people in particular, and he wanted to tell it in person, that could’ve only really meant one thing.

The other friends from elementary that I had alongside Reed would also be there. Which, unfortunately for me, also meant my older sister was gonna be there too.

To be continued in Chapter 2…